MOTHERFUCKING MONSTER TRUCK PARKING ONLY.

Jay your such a MOTHERFUCKER.
MOTHER. 

A Quest for Fire. If anyone wants to see a great movie about cavemen check it out " A Quest For Fire". No talking until Motherfucking +Radon Chong enters the picture. Fuck the talk she's naked.

MOTHER. 

This isn't legal. That fires way to high and so is every motherfucker around it. The neighbor is going to miss that wooden lattice from her garden come spring.  

Can we get a pizza delivered, motherfucker. " Where to".

Look for an orange glow and listen for alot of laughter.

MOTHER. 

Motherfuckers mohawk, 24 hr man, and sam. Fire and brews make us cavemen laugh. 

Litter control officer, Motherfucking Sam, showing plumber crack. That Jaeger looks to close to the fire. It could blow. You tell it's not all gone cuz someone was careful enough to set that soldier in an upright position. 

More Motherfucking Burro on fire 

MOTHERFUCKING FIRE GODS
Firday night festivites started with MOTHERFUCKERS Sam, Camerron and myself at, I believe it's called La Americna mexican resteraunt or maybe that was the name of that bueno margarita. It was gettin pretty authentic in there. Grocery store in front and resteraunt in back. Good use of space. Even the drunkin' patron made me feel like we were in mexico. So we're sittin there eatin' motherfucking bueno food and I'm admiring the pinatas hanging from the ceiling. Got to have one for saturdays festivities. Funny the looks on people faces as your walking around with a big, gray motherfucking burro under your arm. " No it's not real" I say to someone as I leave the store. How could I walk around with a burro under my arm.

I notice el diablo blanco is still in the lot but the suburu machine is missing. Maybe there looking for hookers. Come to find out later they forgot it and had to go back and get it from sams house. Don't put these motherfuckers in charge.

So I arrive at motherfucking sams with some Hi life and the burro. DOG ATTACK LOOK OUT. Motherfucking Lars wanted the burro in a bad way. Pinatas must look like blow up dolls to a dog. Motherfucking Combat J. shows up with his dads monster truck and decides to park in the neighbors backyard. MMM! that's motherfucking interesting.

We're sitting around enjoying the brews. Motherfucking combat J. has to go get Travis at the airport and bring him back to the festivities. Fucker calls back in 15 minutes acting like he can't find the airport. MOTHERFUCKER.

Soon Motherfucking mohawk shows up. Oh shit. Then comes Motherfucking Combat J. and Travis. We sit around and enjoy a few brews. Then Motherfucking Combat J. takes Travis to bed. I think they went to J's parents and tucked him in.

Motherfucking Combat J. is back with his monster truck in the neighbors yard. Soon he's tackling people in there chairs. He's got Motherfucking chicken wing running for his life. Motherfucking Chicken wing decides it's safer over with us pacifist. Motherfucking combat J. is in stealth mode behind a chair. He's not moving. Minutes go by and we're gettin scared. The longer he stays in character the more dangerous this situation could be. Mothefucking chicken wing runs. That bring Motherfucking combat J. to life. Whew! He was only kidding.

Then there's that motherfucker 24 hr man, Camerron. Dam he was funny. Drunk and loud. Now I know how to train for 24 hrs. Drink brew. Laugh alot.

Oh yea, the motherfucking burro didn't make it. He had to be burned. Look closely there's burro meat for dinner. What do you think LBC grilled for saturday. BURRITOS

MOTHER. 

Before I could talk she grab my dick. Started licking her lips and talkin' that porno shit. She stuck my balls in her mouth.
She started rubbin' my lower back. Next thing i new she was sticking her finger in my crack. Hey bitch, ain't noone stickin anything in my butt. You motherfucking big butt slut.
Fuck you bitch. I just had my balls in your mouth.
Hey! I just had my balls in your mouth.

MOTHER.

Marc Thinks Mark's Theory On Age Tells It Best

Mark Twain a motherfucking genius. I dig his quotes. He wrote about life in a humorous/serious manner. Here are some of his quotes:

You can't reach old age by another man's road. My habits protect my life but they would assassinate you. MOTHERFUCKING GENIUS

Life would be infinately happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18. AGAIN, MOTHERFUCKING GENIUS

I was young and foolish then. Now I'm older and foolisher. RIGHT ON THE FUCKING NAIL

OK here's the site. Enjoy. www.twainquotes.com
Check out what he has to say about obedience. MOTHERFUCKING SMART DUDE!

MOTHER. 

The Other Cross

Oh yea, there's another cross that we don't hear much about around here and that's cross country skiing. Check these sites out:
http://www.swixsport.com/ie5D372.htm
http://www.xcskiworld.com/ news, races, equipment Ect......
http://www.xcski.org/resort-guide.shtml
http://www.fis-ski.com/ FIS xc ski racing


Meat factory update: Lots of red hats around today because two gold hats were on the floor. Gold is visitor. Someone screwed up the gold hats order so they had to redue it. Look like a motherfucking XMAS tree with red, green, yellow, gold and white hats all over the fucking place.

MOTHERFUCKING SHITHEAD

I've got a few people I could send this to http://fecalgram.com/site/main

First on my list Officer Wood. I'd like to fling some shit his way. I think he used crayon to write up the ticket.

The mailman cause he doesn't pick up my mail and my bills run late. Shit on you.

The super c on the corner of 21st & G. One of the poorest neighborhoods in lincoln but things are like a dime more. Shitheads.

MOTHER.

Meat factory Heirarchy

At the meat factory we have to wear hard hats. In case a chunk of motherfucking meat hits me. If it does happen I hope it's a T-bone 'cus I'll claim that as my own. Back to the hats. There's different color hats that are worn. Here's the break down:
Red- Supervisors/managers
Green- QA techs that's me
yellow- line foremans
white- beef production line
gray- maintenance
light blue- chicken production
Today there was alot of red hats by me. Making my brain bleed with all that thinking. Someone fucked up and we had to sort through what seemed like 1000 packages of ground beef.

Don't think the color schemes stop there. Here's the break down on coats:
Red- maintanence
white- beef production
blue- chick production
tan- cleaning crew

Now here's the low down on how these motherfucking colors go together:
Red hat white coat: trouble in beef production
Red hat blue coat: trouble in chic. production
green hat white coat: QA beef production cop
green hat blue coat: QA chic. production cop
gray hat red coat: somebody broke something and were going to have to stay late
yellow hat white coat: the beef supervisors/managers bitch
yellow hat blue coat: the chic. "see above"
light blue hat blue coat: chic. prod personnel and I don't want to see your motherfucking ass in beef production
tan hat white coat: clean motherfucking beef floor
tan hat blue coat: I hope you figured this one out. Clean the motherfucking chic. floor
white hat white coat: beef production line

I hope I didn't leave anyone out. I would feel bad. This can be complicated when you have one of each standing in a group.

So that's the motherfucking meat factory heirarchy.

MOTHER.

Guess what this is? Right. Motherfucker speeding ticket. After putting in 12 hrs at meat factory, I'm driving along capital prkwy and "MOTHERFUCKER" a speed trap just as you come around the corner to go to 10th. He signals me over. " Know what the speed limit is" Motherfucking yes, it's 35 so I tell the mother 45. I had no idea. I almost said 60 just to say "JUST KIDDING". " It's 45 and turns into 35". MMMM!! I'm sitting there thinking I need a nap 'cause I've been up since 6a and it's 6p. I thought I'd tell him that meat makes me sleepy. The motherfucker doesn't deserve my humor so I forego my comments. That evilvw takes the corners so sweet that really I thought I was doing 35. Fuck, I was barely passing people. He writes the ticket for 46. Motherfucker. He probably was napping himself. I'm about to leave and where's my registration and D. license. He finally comes back, after I've ripped my car apart to try and find it, and says" you might need this. Luckily I put my radar in the car and there was your info". NAPPIN' MOTHERFUCKER. Imagine if I'd left my thermometer in the hamburger at work. You'd be eating mercury at McD's. Speeding ticket vs. mercury poisoning. Speeding I'll take my chances. Mercury death sucks. 100% a sure thing.
$75 for a stop class. You don't want me in a stop class. I'll get my moneys worht. So to get back at the city of Lincoln. I'll buy less shit here but not at LBC or miller high life. XMAS on line. IPod online. Shit, i'll go to waverly to buy groceries just because. Less of my tax money in their coffers. I'm evil like that.
MOTHER. 

" Be good and you'll be lonesome" Mark Twain

MOTHER. 

Bitch Ph.D.

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Boys gone wild: Spring break in the wheat state

April 18, 2005

Editor's note: Lewis and Clark were great explorers but they are dead. They have been replaced by the greatest explorers of all time, Jesse Overright, Andy Gingerich and Jesse Nathan. One fine evening, Op-ed editor Rachel Combs was privileged to sit down and talk with them.

Rachel: What was the first feeling you had when you made that discovery?

Jesse O: Oh, you mean the magical dinosaur? Wow, it felt great. Really good.

Jesse N: It was common.

Andy: [Stares blankly].

Rachel: So, tell me a little about how you prepared for this expedition of grandeur, I'm sure it took months of training.

Andy: We'll for the most part we were all out of shape, and there wasn't really enough time for training, so I just decided to sleep a lot.

Jesse N: No, really, we just stretched each day before we biked and then pretended not to know how far we were going to bike each day. Actually, we really didn't know how far we were going each day, it was kind of a seat of the pants (bike shorts in my case) sort of thing.

Jesse O: I prepared by making several mistakes. First, I bought used bike shorts. That's like one step above using someone else's toothbrush. Which we did also. I also watched some Indiana Jones, but that was after I got back from break, so I guess that was sort of post-preparation, which is entirely worthless.

Rachel: So, your spring break destination, central Kansas, is a bit unusual. Most people head to destination spots, such as Cancun, Miami, or someplace warm. You chose Kansas. Why?

Jesse N: We were broke.

Andy: I was hoping to find Santa.

Jesse O: We couldn't get any farther. We packed up a tent, clothes, food, and supplies all on our bikes. That made them heavy. And slow.

Rachel: So I heard someone lost their virginity on the trip. Can you tell me a little about that?

Jesse O: Oh, actually that was a rumor. I think someone lost their keys, and that held us up for three days before we realized we didn't need them. But I can see how a rumor like that would be started. Entirely false, however. I mean partially false.

Andy: You can actually bike quite a ways on a spare key, but you have to really watch your pressure and you have to keep it under 55 mph.

Jesse N: [Distracted by Cameltoes]

Rachel: So, tell me about your highest and lowest points in your tour. Did you ever want to give up?

Andy: My favorite part of the trip was when we were biking with the wind at our back. The worst part of the trip was when I had to amputate my right arm after I got it stuck in Jesse O.'s spokes (hey, it's a nice bike).

Jesse: Yeah that sucked. I didn't have a whole lot of medical experience before the trip, but I don't think we could have saved his arm at the time. Looking back, I might have acted a little hasty. Sorry Andy.

Andy: My handwriting is terrible now.

Jesse: Um…well, honestly, my favorite part was camping on the Klaassen's lawn and trying to figure out if their dog was barking at us or not. My least favorite part was trying to sleep with that dog barking.
Rachel: Was there ever any arguing between the three of you? It must be difficult trying to pull off something like this.

Andy: Sure we had our points of conflict, but we worked out a system based around fuzzy things that kept everything pretty cool. Cotton swabs, teddy bears, catapillars, pipe cleaners, and others really helped us get through the whole adventure without much fighting.

Jesse N: Mainly we argued about whether we should go to bed at 8 or 9 pm every evening. We also got pretty worked up about how many burritos we each got. It was a hungry time, and my metabolism was waaaaaaay up.

Jesse O: There wasn't so much arguing as collective fear. We usually didn't know where we were going to sleep, so we'd take turns being scared. I was pretty good at it. But we found awesome places to stay. The first night we stayed in Bentley at Brian and Brenda Asher's old house outside of town. I guess Brenda went to Bethel some years back and we met her at a gas station randomly. It was great. Except it thunder stormed that night, and I got scared again.
Rachel: Tell me about your potty breaks.

Jesse N: This is a really interesting question. I don't really know how to talk about this. Hannah Klaassen's house was actually our first real encounter with a clean toilet. It was a really nice toilet, until afterwards. Also, we forgot toilet paper the first day or so, but that was actually God's will, because it forced us to be creative.

Jesse O: God's will or not, forgetting toilet paper isn't something I'd recommend if you're going to take a bike trip. Let me just say we all really take for granted working plumbing.

Andy: I kind of like pooping outside.

Jesse N: And biking makes you really good at holding it.

Rachel: Did you encounter any wildlife that was new to you?

Jesse N: Nope.

Jesse O: Oh yeah, the elusive Central Kansas wildlife.

Rachel: Tell me about your earliest memories involving bicycles. When did you learn to ride?

Andy: I actually rode out of my mothers womb on bicycle. The doctor like totally freaked out, you should have seen it man, it was hilarious.

Jesse N: Back in Mexico, we used to ride to “La Tienda” and get coke with my friends. It was rad. Then there was the time I biked down a hill really fast in Minnesota, only I didn’t realize that the end of the hill had a really sharp turn. I was wearing sandals and I turned so fast that the bike just kinda fell over. That meant that my sandaled feet dragged along underneath the bike for a while. It tore up my foot pretty good, but I got scars, so it’s okay.

Rachel: What safety precautions did you take? Did you wear your helmets?

Jesse O: Yes we were responsible and wore helmets. Before we even made it out of North Newton Andy’s bike broke down. A cable snapped and almost ended the trip before it started. Luckily, we made the precaution of having an Ace Hardware in town that sold replacement cables. We also bumped into Duane and Larry Friesen there. They gave us some advice on the winds which we promptly ignored. After spending about 3 hours pedalling against the mighty wind, we caved.

Rachel: Did anyone fall down?

Jesse N: Well, actually one time a semi-truck passed me on a road with a small shoulder and a deep ditch and the wind from the passing truck blew me off the road into the ditch.

Andy: And one time, I wasn’t watching and I accidentally biked into Jesse’s back tire. I flipped over the front handle bars and knocked Jesse’s seat into his butt. And then he got knocked into the ditch again. Meanwhile, the other Jesse rode away and left us stranded.

Rachel: Sometimes bikers can be harassed by drivers on th e road, did you encounter any hositility on your trip?

Andy: One time I almost ran over a squirrel and he looked pretty pissed off. But other than that everyone was really friendly. I think Something about being on bikes makes poeple really open up to you.

Jesse N: And a lot of people offered us places to stay, it was neat.

Jesse O: The worst riding we had all trip was anywhere near Walmart. Seriously, have you ever tried to get there on foot? The roads in El Dorado and Newton that pass Walmart are some of the ugliest I’ve ever seen or been on. We really noticed the ugliness of cars.

Rachel: Tell me how you ate. Did you bring food or find it along the way?

Jesse N: Mostly we foraged, but that got old after a little while, and some of us got constipated too. Nonetheless, we pushed on (no pun intended) selflessly, sacrificing many things, like our bowels, so that we could follow honorably in the footsteps of Lewis and Clark.

Andy: We brought a camp stove and ate camping type food, but we also took advantage of small town cafes whenever possible.

Rachel: So what’s your opinion? If you could do it all over again, what would you change?

Jesse O: My clothes more often! ha! Oh man, that was good. So good.

Jesse N: I would take Duane and Larry’s advice next time. Also, don’t forget lipstick!

Andy: I would bring my mom.

Jesse Overright is a senior from Normal, Ill.
Andrew “Showbiz” Gingerich is a senior from Albuquerque, NM.
Jesse Nathan is a senior from Moundridge, Kan.

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Dos wild madrefuckers
MOTHER. 

YMCA volunteer building fences for the less fortunate. TJ your such a ..........

MOTHER. 

Run Sam, that guy will crash you.

MOTHER. 

Jay, just a saturday stroll through the park.

MOTHER. 

Tony Wilhelm at the wheel! MOTHER. 

Standing Bear Lake Cross. The name couldn't have fit the race better. Not to many left standing goin' up that mud infested hill. Except for Mr. T had some crazed way of carrying his bike when everyone else tried to ride. I'm still laughing at that run. What was that a sasquatch. It worked

MOTHER. 

Johnny Mohawk eatin' some cheese out of El blanco Diablo(Sam's van). Moab definately will be engrained in my one remaining brain cell for the rest of my life. We figured 31 beers in 2.5 days between 3 of us. You do the math. That comes out to some binging. The only thing that was consumed warmwas some ramen noodles on a one burner fire starter that had a tendacy to leak gas all over the silica that covers that part of the world. Sam, you and I need to blow that mother up. There might be a country road around here where we can send that thing to the waning gibbous moon some night.

MOTHER. 

Ah! My significant other. The car, what were you thinking of.

MOTHER 

we've only just begun